CBCP urges Pinoys to “aim for 200M”, vows to help make it happen

MANILA, Philippines – Barely a day removed from the historic introduction of baby Chonalyn Sentino as the symbolic 100 millionth Filipino, the Catholic Bishops’ Conference of the Philippines (CBCP) urged the nation to “aim for 200M” in a brief statement released to the media.

Coursed through its Department of Divinities and Mortal Affairs (DEDMA), the CBCP opened its statement by congratulating the family of the baby on the occasion.

“Surely, it is a moment of true happiness. A baby is the single most beautiful gift from God.”

The CBCP even went out of its way and gave baby Chonalyn Sentino’s mother, 27 year-old Dailin Cabigayan, words of wisdom.

Make more babies. (Photo from japantimes.co.jp)

“A baby is a gift from God, but if the baby was born in sin, the man and woman who slept together without being married lives in sin. They may pass those consequences of sin on to the child. Have some shame,” it read.

The CBCP press release urged the Filipino to keep up the good work as it echoed the sentiments of Bishop Gilbert Garcera of the Diocese of Daet in Naga.

“People from all around the world rely on the Filipino to take care of them. Therefore, we urge our fellow brothers and sisters to go forth and multiply so that we may continually provide our fellow men with more quality wives and world-class workers such as nurses and caregivers. It is God’s plan for us, and we must follow willingly.”

The CBCP concluded its statement with the assurance that it will to do whatever it can to help the nation achieve that end.

“We are aware that the Philippines has a tall task ahead of it, but know that The Catholic Church is fully behind the Filipino people moving forward. We’ve had our fair share in helping the nation reach this milestone, and we are more than happy to help achieve the next one. Together, let’s aim for 200M!” -BT

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PNoy throws tantrum at mall, tells Sereno “hindi kita bati”

MANILA, Philippines – An eyewitness claims that President Noynoy Aquino and Chief Justice Maria Lourdes Sereno had a chance encounter last night at Some Mall in Quezon City and it did not end well.

Grace (not her real name), the eyewitness,  said that it was the most unusual thing she has seen.

“Kalalabas lang po ni Presidente galing sa isang toy store. Nung una, hindi ko sya nakilala kasi naka-cap sya at naka-shades. Pero may mga security na nakapalibot sa kanya kaya na-realize ko na sya yun,” recounted Grace. “Pagkalabas na pagkalabas nya, dun nya nakasalubong yung babae (Sereno).”

According to Grace, the two adults looked fine at first, exchanging niceties and talking as any adult should. But she said the situation spiraled down quickly.

“Kita ko sa mukha ni Presidente yung pagbabago ng mood,” continued Grace. “Maya-maya, nagsimula na siyang magdabog at panay na ang balibag nya ng paa nya sa sahig. Dun na ako nagulat.”

Ako ang boss nyo! (image from tokikots.wordpress.com)

“Tapos, ayun. Nagsisigaw na sya ng kung anu-ano dun sa babae,” said Grace. “Hindi ko maintindihan karamihan sa mga sinasabi nya eh. Ang naalala ko lang sa sinabi nya, wag daw syang harangin. O hadlangan. Ewan ko. DAPat daw masunod yung gusto nya. Tapos, panay ang sigaw nya ng ‘hindi kita bati!’”

Grace said that the situation would have gotten worse had the security personnel not stepped in. According to her, the men picked up the president from the floor where he was by then lying on while throwing fits, and whisked him away. She claimed that Sereno only stood there silent althroughout while looking at the grown man at her feet.

“Medyo uncharacteristic dahil hindi sya ganun pag nakikita ko sa TV kaya nagulat ako,” said Grace. “Sa totoo lang, ang naalala ko nung pinapanood ko yun, yung anak ko pag hindi nasusunod yung gusto nya.”

The incident happened on the same day PNoy called out the Supreme Court after the latter declared parts of his administration’s Disbursement Acceleration Program (DAP) unconstitutional.

President Aquino handpicked Sereno to be the next Chief Justice after his administration successfully ousted Renato Corona from the post back in 2012.

Malacanang slammed the phone on us when we tried to reach them for comment regarding the incident. -BT

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Doctor confirms that Miriam Defensor-Santiago has mutant healing powers

MANILA, Philippines – Just a day after firebrand senator Miriam Defensor-Santiago revealed that she has stage 4 lung cancer, a doctor released a medical report his hospital obtained from a diagnosis of the lawmaker during her visit to their facility some years ago.

The document backs up Senator Santiago’s claim that she has a behavioral mutation that makes her lung impermeable to cancer cells.

“I’ve never seen anything like it before. And I have been in the medical profession for a very, very long time.” admitted Dr. Matt Smith of the Royal Grace Hospital in downtown Los Angeles during a telephone interview. “It’s fantastic. She seems to have some sort of regenerative mechanism that activates with the proper stimulus.”

Asked to further elaborate on the findings, Smith said “We’re still in the process of evaluating it. But we have a pretty solid idea of what’s going on in Senator Santiago’s body.  It appears the trigger for this rapid healing is connected to her work.”

“Even so, we will still treat our data as theoretical for now.”

“I remember the day she came in for her checkup, though,” the doctor narrated. “She was complaining about shortness of breath and exhaustion just as she is now. But for some reason, after seeing something on the television in my clinic, she felt stronger. She started saying that she needs to go, gesturing with her hands, enunciating her every word while saying that she feels better and that she has to attend to something urgent. I reluctantly let her go but not before I repeated tests on her. The following day, I was stunned to see the results show that she was in perfect health again. She boarded a plane back to the Philippines the same day.”

Curious, this reporter asked what Senator Santiago saw on the television.

“It was a CNN report about some fiasco happening in your [Philippine] senate,” Dr. Smith said. “It was surreal. One moment I was checking her vitals. The next, she was on the TV again berating everyone around her.”

“It’s highly absurd, but we concluded that she’s allergic to stupid. And the most astounding fact is, its effect on her makes her stronger.-BT

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On a serious note, we here at Barbero Times would like to extend our prayers and well wishes to the esteemed Senator Santiago. We are hoping for your speedy recovery, madame! This country needs you more than ever.

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Man held up at his own home after posting on Facebook a picture of money he earned from networking

MANILA, Philippines – It was a triumph that was as easily lost as it was gained.

On Sunday morning, Tobias Dimacuhanan was ecstatic after receiving his first paycheck from the multi-level marketing group he joined a month ago. By Tuesday night, he was left with nothing after a group of men who posed as potential recruits robbed him at gunpoint inside his own home and took the money he allegedly worked hard for.

“Mukha naman silang mga disenteng tao,” said Dimacuhanan of the suspects in an interview at the police station where he filed a report. “Hindi ko akalain na mangyayari sa akin yun. Mga hayop sila. Pinaghirapan kong mag-kumbinsi ng mga tao na sumali sa networking, tapos sa isang iglap mawawala ng ganun yung bunga ng pagod ko.”

Asked how he came into contact with his assailants, Dimcuhanan said that he met one of them – a certain Mark Anthony Lavista – through social networking site Facebook.

“Nag-post ako nung Linggo ng umaga ng picture nung perang kinita ko dahil nagbakasakali ako na may ma-engganyo’t magpa-recruit,” he confessed in between tears. “Kinontak ako kaagad nung Mark at nakipag-schedule ng meeting ng Martes ng hapon. Pumayag ako kasi interesadong-interesado yung tono nya. Kung alam ko lang…”

The victim’s timeline leading up to the robbery.

Police Superintendent Romeo Durugas, chief of the precinct Dimacuhanan filed his complaint with, promised to immediately attend to the victim’s case. He also offers advice to others so incidents like this can be prevented in the future.

“Huwag po tayong magtiwala kaagad sa mga taong nakikilala natin sa internet. Kung maaari, lalo pagdating sa usaping pera, siguraduhin muna natin ang katauhan ng mga makaka-deal natin,” Durugas stated. “Madali pong iwasan ang ganitong krimen kung maingat tayo sa mga ipino-post natin sa websites na pwedeng mabasa ng kahit sino ang inilalagay natin.”

“Atsaka iwasan po nating magyabang lalo na ng pera para lang mang-engganyo.”

Dimacuhanan, for his part, seemed already relieved after the ordeal, saying that at least he wasn’t hurt. Though still shaken, he said he will put this behind him and keep on doing what he does to get back what he lost.

“Kayo sir. Baka gusto nyong sumali sa networking,” Dimacuhanan said to this reporter during the interview.

The offer was promptly turned down. -BT

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